yesterday was the hardest day of my life.
i dont blame edmund, i really dont.
i know part of what he says
though blunt
is what God is telling me.

but Lord, this will break my heart.
and not just mine.
because i know the decision lies in me.
what i choose, determines alot of other things:

- direct reaction
- the Chrisitians-who-bother
- the others

and i know, it will be an onslaught of things.
i dont know how Emmett did it Lord.
or what.
i know im not at peace,
You know Lord, that im not at peace.
not until ive found a resolution to this.
You know im torn oh Lord.
because of Your word, and my heart.
please oh Father be kind. =(

and THANK YOU LORD, for jolyne.
thank you that she was there to help me when edmund pulled me into this huge whirlpool.
and threw me questions and forced me to think about them.
but i know, from today on its own time, own target.
my As are first, and i'll not be distracted meanwhile.
settle everything else after that, even if it means
to incur his annoyance.

oh Lord.
please, dont make me do this.
please let me be happy.
please oh Lord, speak to me.
in Jesus' name, amen.